Just an Update

I'm not sure how many people are even still reading this blog since I haven't posted anything in more than 3 months. But for those who do still check it on occasion here is an update.

I was living at home in FL when I returned from Uganda but I knew that wasn't the permanent location for me. I left Uganda to return to the US to go to seminary...not just any school, but the school another missionary in Uganda suggested. It was hard to leave Uganda because I definitely felt like I could have stayed another year, but I also knew if I wanted to serve long term I needed to take some bible classes.

In mid March I moved to Columbia, SC where I am attending Columbia International University. I work at Ben Lippen School, K-12 grade, as an event coordinator. I am in charge of all the fund raising events, back to school nights, parent orientations, homecoming, tailgating, etc. Basically if it is an event I have something to do with it. I am not an event planner by trade but all it really takes are some good organizational skills and ability to multi-task. Now that I can do.

Although I am not in Uganda anymore I am still working for Dwelling Places as the child sponsor coordinator. I am so excited to have a role with them and be connected even from the states. I am the one who updates sponsors and coordinates with the Ugandan staff for letter writing, etc. I am so excited to stay connected to Rita, the kids and the other missionaries at Dwelling Places. God is good.

A lot of people have asked how I am adjusting to life back in the US. Honestly most of the time it's fine. almost like I picked up where I left off. But then other days I look at pictures of Uganda or the kids and want to jump on a plane and go right back. I am thankful I am fairly poor because that prevents me from doing anything too dumb :) I would love to go back and visit for a few weeks but probably not to live for good. Part of the reason I came home was because I was feeling like my heart was for the unreached and I needed more training before I would be ready to go out to these people groups. I am praying for God's direction and hoping that he leads me back to Africa one day to work with his unreached. As much as my heart desire is for Africa I am trying to remain open to God's leading and direction. I can get so focused sometimes on my own ideas or my own plans for life. I have to lay down my life daily for God to use however he likes. I fail most times...become stubborn or just ignore God all together. But then there are those huge breakthrough moments when I hear God so clearly and I am able to respond with obedience. These are my happiest times.

I have learned through these tests of obedience that no matter how strange life seems all I need is Jesus. I never thought I would end up back in school and never in a million years did I think I would go to seminary. But God's plans are sometimes so different than our own. I rest in contentment knowing that as I pursue God he will continue to guide and direct me. All I have to do is say yes. Happiness doesn't come from a certain situation. As Paul writes in Philippians he learned the secret of being content living in plenty or in want (Phil. 4:12). He found contentment when being persecuted or being thrown in prison because he knew his life was being used for God's kingdom. He drew strength from the promises of God not his current situation.

Where do we draw our strength from? Do we try to be friends with people who seem to be really passionate and hope it rubs off on us? Or do we turn to the word of God and let it fill us like the bread of life it was always intended to be? We can do everything through Him who gives us strength. And we can find contentment and joy by being obedient to God and allowing him to have full control of our lives. Lord I lay lay down my life for your use and for your glory. I know my way won't always be what you have planned for me and I pray that I will stay connected to you so that I can feel and see where you are leading me next. May I never stray from the source of all my strength.

Glorify You

I was in church today and we were closing our worship time with the Bebo Norman song “Nothing Without You”. I have heard this song tons of times but it never looses its power for me. The last few lines of the song say,

“Take my time here on this earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth”

I feel it in my soul when I say those words. Half the time I get such a tight knot in my throat I can barely whisper those words much less say or sing them. If I could pray one thing everyday for the rest of my life I think it would go something like those lyrics say. I give God my life…everyday… to be used in anyway he sees fit. I want my time here on earth to glorify God.

So what does it mean, or look like, to glorify God? I was reading a study by Beth Moore and she describes glory in the following way:

• God’s glory is the way he makes himself known or shows himself mighty.
• Giving glory to God is ascribing to him his full recognition.
• God’s glory is the way he makes himself recognizable.
• She finishes by saying, “We were created for the purpose of giving his invisible character a glimpse of visibility.”

The one I like most is giving God’s invisible qualities visibility through the way we live our lives. That’s powerful to me. God has chosen to use us. That’s his big plan. He has legions of angels, all the power and control in the world, could create some other super being and yet he has chosen his original, albeit slightly marred, creation to change the world. He chooses you and me to show himself through us so that other people might get just a small glimpse of the maker of heaven and earth. That’s crazy, and if you ask me it makes me a bit nervous. If we are the vessel for which God is using to show himself what about when we act in a way that isn’t in line with his word? What are we showing those who don’t know him yet?

Bringing God glory is a gift. We have the opportunity to reflect God to others and to bring God glory. We have chances everyday to show God we love him through our actions and obedience to his word. As soon as I typed that I immediately thought of how many times I am sure I have disappointed God. And although that is true I know God doesn’t want us to live with guilt of disappointment. He wants us to draw closer to him, to let his holy spirit who lives in us to speak to our hearts, to change our desires, to help us grow everyday. We will never reach perfection here on earth but we strive to live a life that glorifies God – even with all our quirks and failures. God uses us exactly as we are and continues to mold us and shape us. He can use anyone, we just have to be willing and open.

So here I am Lord. I pray that you would take my time here on earth…every friendship, job, roommate, conversation, decision, move…and let it glorify all that you are worth. May my life scream of your invisible qualities. May you use me in any way you see fit so that others may know you and come to your throne to worship you. I pray that you would ignite a fire in our hearts for you Lord. That we wouldn’t be able to sit still any longer but that we would be drawn into obedience to you. I pray that you would challenge us, open our eyes to the need and pain in the world and give us your strength to take those steps of faith. I give you my life to be poured out.

Blessed to be a Blessing

I was back in DC for a few days and attended a Perspectives class at MBC with my friend Kendall. I remember this class so well because it is one of the many things God used to encourage my heart to be open to his leading to Uganda last year. The entire class focuses on teaching us to view God as a God of missions and the Bible to be read as a story of mission not just in Matthew or the New Testament but starting from Genesis with the covenant with Abraham. Jesus didn't decide after thirty years on this earth that it would be a great idea to send out his disciples to the ends of the earth. No, that was the plan from the beginning of time...it was never an after thought. One of the themes we were discussing in the first assignment was the idea of "Blessed to be a blessing."

When I think of this saying I immediately think of the US and how, in general, we as citizens of this country are infinitely more blessed than many other countries in the world. We have freedoms other countries will never experience, including the freedom of choosing our religion and the freedom to openly talk about God if we choose. This leads to me think of those places that don’t experience as many freedoms as we have or don’t have as much as we do and I want to GO. I want to sell everything I own, give up my freedoms in some cases, and try to bless others with the knowledge of who God is. That is my first reaction…

Today however I have started to consider what it means for me to be back in the house where I grew up, living with my parents and grandmother. I began to think perhaps I have been blessed with the experience of Africa and with the experience of God to be a blessing to my family. Maybe this is exactly where God wants me right now. I just keep thinking of how much longer until I can return to Africa and how I am so certain that’s where God wants to use me…but I think I am missing what he has put right before me.

I need to stop living 3 months in advance and start realizing God uses every situation and every moment to be able to point others to him. Why would this be any different? As painful as it always is, I need to slow down and just be still and dwell in God’s presence. There are so many decisions I feel like I need to make about where I should live, what job to pursue, what kind of car to get or how much money I should be spending…it is starting to overwhelm me and I am retreating into my corner in hopes that it will all just resolve itself. But I do trust that God has a plan for my life, today and 10 years from now. My life has been written and God knows every decision I will make so I can stop worrying. It’s all in control. I will continue to pray for wisdom and discernment but I will also continue to step out in faith and obedience.

Lord you are. I was going to write something else but I think that is enough. You ARE….you are hope, you are love, you are mercy, you are our comforter, our savior, our doctor, our judge, our father, our creator, and our redeemer. I love you. I want to continually be drawing closer to you. I want to forever be living life that brings you glory and honor. I want to worship you with every talent you have given me and every relationship you allow me to have with friends and family. You have blessed me so that I might be a blessing to others. Help me to see the opportunities you place before me everyday.

Back from Uganda...

I was definitely nervous leaving Uganda and returning home to a culture and world I have always known but that seemed so very different now. I had questions flying through my head like: would I still be my old self around my family and friends or would they think I had changed? What would I do without a job, place to live, or definite direction? How could I explain how I was feeling about the past year and what I felt God was telling me to explore for my future? It was all overwhelming because I didn’t have any clear answers to the questions I knew I would get. I walked off the plane, went through customs, and was greeted by four friends, smiling and holding signs…and I cried. I was so happy to be home and yet seeing everyone made it official that I was so far away from Uganda and my other life I had fallen in love with.

It’s been almost a month now since I have been back in the US and I can say I finally feel like I am beginning to readjust to life here. The first two weeks I was in complete denial that I was home. I didn’t even unpack my suitcase. I didn’t want to admit that things were changing. In all honesty I would wake up each morning hoping that I somehow was back in my small bed, under my mosquito net in the cottage just down the road from 62 of the most wonderful kids in the world. I miss hugging baby Peter, playing cards with Judith and Christine, and kicking around the soccer ball with the boys. I miss the sounds in the morning, the dusty roads, crazy taxi park, and all the relationships I had developed over the past year.

My last few months in Uganda were some of the toughest times for me as I began to think and pray about what comes next. On many occasions during my prayer time I felt like I was wrestling with God…struggling to hear him or maybe even to obey what it was he was whispering into my heart. I would sit and pray that God would clearly show me direction for the next steps in my life. I wanted to know where he wanted me – Africa or the US? A part of me wanted to come back to Africa but the other larger part of me was scared about what life would look life if I said yes to coming back full time. In my mind saying yes to being a long term missionary means saying you are giving up the right to having a warm shower whenever you want one, to making money and being able to afford to buy things when you want them, to being far away from family and friends and only seeing them for short periods of time, and to that sense of belonging in your own culture. All of these things and so many other thoughts had me almost scared of saying yes to coming back to Africa.

But then I read this awesome prayer in one of my daily devotionals that said, “Father God, may the choices I make be the ones following your will for my life. As you direct according to your word and character, and as I follow, may I not look back and grieve what I left behind. Help us to listen and obey. Amen.” And there was the answer for me. My choices needed to follow God’s will and I needed to listen and obey. But most of all I needed to not grieve what he was asking me to leave behind. God was asking me to give up whatever conviences I had placed higher than Him and give it over to Him knowing whatever it is I am giving up can’t compare to the awesomeness we are all going to experience in eternity with the creator of the world. So if God wants to use these short few years I am on earth and make me a little uncomfortable…so be it. Our life here on earth is like a blink of an eye to God. I can so clearly remember giving my life to Christ more than 4 years ago and it has always been my prayer that God would use me for his glory. I want to live a life that is passionate about God, his people, and his desire that all should come to a saving knowledge of who he is and how he sent his son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins to offer us a way to salvation.

I don’t find it easy, and definitely didn’t find it easy at the time in that small room in Uganda, to say yes to God but I’m glad I did. Just like preparing to come to Uganda more than a year ago it seems that once I made a decision I had so much peace about it. It was a struggle right up to that point and then taking the step out of the boat just confirmed that this was where God wanted me to go. So now I am pursuing a longer term commitment with Africa Inland Mission to join one of their two-year TIMO (Training in Ministry Outreach) teams in 2010. I desire to make God known to the world, especially to those who have never had the chance to hear the gospel…to reach the unreached. My heart really is for people and sharing the hope and salvation I have found through Christ Jesus. And my heart, for whatever reason, is stuck in Africa and Lord willing I hope to go back.

So for this next year I am going to pursue earning a Bible Certificate at Columbia International University. I have two reasons for going to school: (1) In order to serve long term with AIM (and most other mission agencies) you need 30 credits of Bible classes. And since this is where I feel like I am headed I thought I could use this year before I head back to Africa to earn these credits. (2) I want to learn more. I want to learn how to be more effective in discipleship and evangelism and I want to learn more about God, his character and how to share the gospel.

And although I have a long term goal of getting back to Africa in 2010 I struggle every day with knowing what I should be doing, where I should be living and what job I should have for now until school starts. These are all details I know God is taking care of and I am trusting and praying that I will end up exactly where he wants me and can use me best.

The Final Chapter

I've been trying to find the words to tell you all about how I am feeling and what has been going on in my life for the past few weeks. Every time I sit down at the computer I just can’t seem to get anything out in a cohesive sentence. But as they say here “time is small” and its now or never for this last posting considering I leave here in 48 hours.

Looking back over this year I sit in amazement at what God has done in my life and the opportunities he has given me to learn so much more about who he is and who he wants me to be.

I wish I could wrap up my time here in one neat story and let you know how I’m feeling and all the amazing things God has done over the past year in my life. But how do you put that sort of thing into words? How would you tell me the story of your life this past year in the matter of 4-5 paragraphs. You can’t. life is too complicated with too many intricacies to be summed up in a few sentences. We have interactions and events every day in our lives that is shaping us and molding us into the men and women God wants us to be. There are days a smile from a child on the street changes my whole perspective on whatever situation I am going through at the time. And there have been days I have struggled and felt like I would never fit in here in Uganda…when I try to speak Luganda and all I get is laughter or when I walk through town and am painfully aware I stand out by the calls of “muzungu” from every direction.

What I can say is my time here in Uganda has opened my eyes to stark contrasts of this world. You see poor people and orphaned children all the time on TV. The commercials that show a man holding a child with flies around her face asking you to consider paying a few dollars a day so her and her family can eat and live in a home. It’s sad, but for the most part those commercials don’t really cause me to act. Seeing it in person, every day for a year, that has changed my life. Poverty is real. It has affects on the nursing mother who can’t afford to buy enough food to give her baby the nutrients he needs to grow, or the man infected with HIV who can’t afford the ARVS or the transportation cost to go to the doctors to get the medication, or the 2 year old child who is sent to the streets to beg because there is nothing at his house and his mom is desperate. There is suffering here that I will never be able to understand. But there is also joy.

I have met men and women with great faith in who God is. They have faith not just in the blessings they desperately need from God but they have an even greater faith in God’s unchanging characteristics. God IS love. He doesn’t just show love through the things he gives us he is actually love. And this knowledge provides great joy and contentment in their lives. The staff at Dwelling Places sometimes doesn’t get paid in certain months due to lack of funds. This means they can’t pay their own bills or buy food for their homes and yet during our morning devotions they encourage one another with scripture and faith knowing God will provide in his timing and if they don’t have right now its ok because they will either get money in the future or learn to be content without it. There is no problem too big for God and we lift everything up to him in prayer.

I am going to miss so many things about Kampala, Dwelling Places and the kids. I am going to miss this place that I so lovingly call my home. But I am certain we go through things and experiences in our life for a reason and for a purpose that God can use. And I am holding on to the faith that God will use this year to shape me and form me into the woman he wants me to be.

I have found some answers as to what I think I might be doing next that I can’t wait to share with all of you. Some of you I will be able to connect with in person and others I hope to connect over the phone or a faster Internet connection :) I am excited to share my experiences with all of you and even more excited to hear what you have been up to this past year and how God has been working in each of your lives. Thank you for your continued support through prayer, emails, cards, packages, texts, etc. I feel lucky to have such an amazing support group and really thank God for each of you and the encouragement you have been to me throughout the year.

Some final prayer requests:

• Please pray for me as I pack my bags and say my final goodbyes here in Kampala. It’s a mixture of emotions as you can imagine and some days I handle that better than others. I am praying that I can leave well and feel like I have closure.
  
• Pray for Dwelling Places that God would provide a buyer for a piece of land we are trying to sell to help alleviate some of our debt and to provide money for resettlement this holiday and staff salaries.
  
• Pray for the children in Dwelling Places this Christmas season. Some will not be with their families for Christmas and I pray that they will be in loving care either with staff or other members of the community.
  
• Pray for my safety as I travel back to DC and Florida in the next week. I don’t exactly love flying so any extra prayers on Wednesday would be great :)

See you soon.

Hope in the Dark

Just like any place else in the world, once you have lived somewhere you start to become numb to the blaringly obvious needs. When you see a child begging on the streets for the first time it turns your stomach. To see a child under the age of two having to sit in the scorching hot sun and hold out his hands begging for food or money will make your heart break. But the sad thing is when you see this every day it starts to loose its shock. It is not that my heart still doesn’t break for these kids its just that I expect to see it. I hate that seeing poverty, suffering and neglect is an expectation now in my daily life. I hate that sometimes I don’t see the people behind it all but rather I just see the need and feel inadequate that I can’t meet it for everyone.

I sometimes forget that the children in our home once lived a life much different from the one they live now. I see them playing, at school, sleeping in nice beds and I can’t imagine that for some, just a year ago they were living in dust bins and eating rubbish from the streets. I honestly don’t want to imagine that because it is just too sad. When I hear their stories of abuse and neglect I am so angry with a world that can do this to an innocent helpless child. I find myself asking what is wrong with this world? And yet I know the answer…it’s us. Ever since that day in the Garden of Eden the world was flooded with sin and it is this sin that has led to the downfall of man, the destruction of cities, the loss of innocence and the ruin of souls. I have hope…because I know this isn’t the end, the world will not be victorious because that battle has already been won by Jesus.

The other story I have to share with you needs a lot of prayer. There is a woman in our care who is from an area in Uganda that has been forgotten about by the government. There is war, famine, drought and little hope in Karamoja. She is terminally ill and was sent to Kampala on a 12-hour bus ride to get help because there are no good hospitals where she lives. Her husband died a few years ago and we care for 4 of her children on our program. We tried to find care at Hospice but they told us that unless she has HIV or Cancer they won’t offer their services. There is no place to take her, she has no family and she is dying from a heart condition. We have opened our health clinic to let her stay there but the chairman of the community where I live in has asked her to leave…because she is Karamajong. She has no family in Karamoja willing to help take care of her and if she leaves she won’t have access to any healthcare – she fears this trip back will kill her. Our hands are tied because of the political ties with Karamoja and we have to send her home if that is the request. Please join us in praying for this woman. Pray for her healing, pray for strength and pray that God would provide for her in whatever way he has planned. Sadly we are also praying that if it is his will that she should die than we pray that she would die in our care and not alone, away from her children in Karamoja. This woman is going to die and will leave behind 6 total orphans. And all we can do is pray.

TIA

So I had one of the more exciting weeks of my experience here last week. It all started with a walk through town on Thursday evening after our prayer meeting. I was with my friend Sarah and we were heading back towards taxi park to get our taxis to go home. I was trying to cross the street and I could have sworn I looked both ways (which you have to do since traffic follows no normal pattern here) and just as I stepped out I hear Sarah scream my name and then I feel myself getting knocked down. I got run over by a guy on a bike (not a motorcycle thankfully) and fell down in the middle of the street. Besides this being a bit embarrassing to be laying in a skirt in the middle of the street it was also a bit painful. I had about 20 Ugandans immediately around me saying "soree muzungu, soree". I got up and walked to the sidewalk and then started laughing at the whole situation. I ended up with some good bruises on my legs and feet and a scrapped knee. Not too bad for getting run down in the street.

Sunday was the MTN Marathon day. I had originally signed up for the 1/2 marathon but was still feeling a bit sore so I dropped to the 10k. It was so unreal to see all these Ugandans in their bright yellow MTN t-shirts lined up for the race. It was well organized and even started on time. There were the typical start/finish line balloons and a big PA system. It was all so normal. I was shocked to see so many people though because most Ugandans don't run, at least not for fun. I go for runs all over the city and don't see many other people out enjoying a workout. So it was great to see so many people. I would say about half the people walked the 10k. I saw one girl running in jeans capris and socks, no shoes. I also saw a guy running in loafers and another girl in converse shoes. I would like to point out that I saw all three of these people as they passed me :)

So I finished the race with the help of my new Ugandan friend who decided he was going to set my pace for me. I don't think I have run that fast in a long time, it almost killed me. haha. There was a big tent sent up for after race supplies like fruit and water and stuff. I walked in with no problem but 20 minutes later as I was trying to walk out there was a huge crowd. Everyone was trying to get through this narrow path, both people coming in and out. So I joined the line but after a few minutes I could see things were starting to go bad. People were getting annoyed and started pushing and a minute later it was just chaos. I actually got squeezed up against a car parked near by and then thrown onto the hood of the car. I think the guy behind me was actually trying to protect me from getting hurt. It was quite scary for a few seconds and now I can see exactly how huge crowds can turn into mobs in seconds. I got off and was able to squeeze my way out of the area.

After the race the three of us girls decided we were going to go to church, in our running clothes. I didn't want to miss the last sermon on Hebrews and I only have two Sundays left at the church so we went, all sweaty and in bright yellow t-shirts and running clothes. It was well received by the pastor whose wife ran in the race that morning as well. I love this place.

As exciting as last week was I am really hoping this week is dull :)